Reflecting on the Last 4 Months

It’s been 4 months today since the accident that touched all of our lives. Even now it all still seems so unreal. It makes you realize how your life can change in an instant. All of our lives have been changed forever. Reflecting back on the last 4 months, some of the things I will never forget are:

~ Getting the call about the accident a little after noon on Saturday, Oct 18.
~ Rushing to St Louis, unsure how serious the injuries were. The relief we felt when we found out David & Jennifer had only a few broken bones, nothing too serious. Kacyn; however, was serious & our biggest concern at that time…or so we thought. My brother, being a paramedic, knew Jennifer’s injuries were more serious than the rest of us thought. He told me that first day in St Louis what the worst case scenario would be…blood clots are common with Jennifer’s type of bone break & most people don’t survive if the blood clot makes it to the lungs. The several days leading up to Jennifer’s cardiac arrest, she was having breathing problems. My brother would take one look at her stats on the machine & you could tell by the look on his face that he didn’t like what he saw. Even Jennifer noticed this & had commented to Mom about it.
~ Getting the phone call on Oct 29, David’s 25th birthday, telling us we needed to make our way back to St Louis…Jennifer might not make it.
~ The long, almost silent trip to St Louis that day…it took FOREVER to get there!
~ Arriving that evening to see Jennifer so lifeless with all those iv’s & machines attached to her, her body all swollen already from the fluids…it didn’t even look like her. I can’t even describe how it felt to see her that way.
~ The cd that played non-stop in Jennifer’s room. It was a cd of healing scriptures & songs from Victory Bible in Tulsa. Jennifer had asked for this cd. Our aunt in Tulsa purchased it & sent it to my house to take with me on my next trip to St Louis. Little did we know that the next trip would be the day after I received the cd.
~ Spending hours in her room, crying, talking to her. They said she could hear so I tried to talk constantly about everything from the weather to the kids (Josiah, her nieces & nephews) to how Kacyn was doing to stories about when she was little, anything I could think of. I even joked with her about how she wouldn’t believe it, but I was walking around the hospital with no makeup! I never go anywhere without my makeup! I was worried about her being scared because she could hear, but couldn’t open or eyes or do anything. I wondered about what she was thinking. I could picture her awake on the inside, crying, wanting to talk, wanting to ask what was going on. I wanted to tell her funny stories, hoping maybe this would calm any fears for at least a short time. The ventilator would “HONK!” really loud if Jennifer coughed or tried to breathe over it. One night while sitting in her room at 2am, the thing HONKED & I nearly came out of my chair! I told Jennifer if I didn’t know better, I’d think she did that on purpose & asked if she was laughing inside because I jumped so high!
~ Knowing I shouldn’t, but wondering & asking “why?” “Why did this happen to Jennifer?” “Why is she having to go through this?” Lots of whys... But then I would hear in the back of my mind the first few lines of the song My Savior My God: “I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed, what God has planned.”
~ Feeling anger toward the person who caused the accident, wondering if they knew what they had done to our family. Knowing I shouldn’t feel so much anger toward him because it was just an accident.
~ Breaking down the first time I went to the NICU to hold Kacyn & being told only parents & grandparents were allowed to hold him & that I would need a note from the mother giving me permission to hold him. I just started crying right there in front of the nurses & thinking “I wish Jennifer could write me a note” and “I know she would if she could. She’d let me hold him.” David knew Jennifer would want me to hold Kacyn so he went to the NICU in his wheelchair with me & let them know it was ok. After a couple of trips with him, they let me see & hold Kacyn anytime I wanted. Many times I just sat there either looking at him in his bed or holding him & crying. I always told him how much his mommy loved him. I always made sure to tell him that.
~ Seeing our brother break down & cry every time he walked into Jennifer’s room. Listening to him talk to her. Watching him look at all the monitors, iv’s, & seeing the look on his face, knowing that he was worried about what he saw.
~ Going to the hospital chapel with my brother & praying…praying…praying…
~Seeing our dad who’s a pretty big guy & who always tries to act pretty tough, sitting beside Jennifer’s bed, holding her hand, & crying…not even able to say a word. He always just sat there beside her bed, holding her hand, & cried. He couldn’t talk to her. I remember one time Mom telling him to say something to her & he said he didn’t know what to say. Mom told him to say “Hi”. He said “Hi”. Mom said “Tell her you love her”. Dad said “I love you”. This conversation was going on in Jennifer’s room so she could hear it all!
~ Mom spending the most of 2-3 months at the hospital without even a car most of the time. I worried constantly about her also. Seeing her sitting in Jennifer’s room crying, praying, rubbing Jennifer’s arms & legs, holding Jennifer’s hand, talking to Jennifer, reading the Bible, holding the cd player closer to Jennifer’s bed to make sure she could hear it (the ventilator was kind of loud). ~ Thinking that once they took her off sedation, she would wake up & be the way she was before. Being confused when that didn’t happen. Not understanding why she wasn’t waking up, why she wasn’t showing any response. Being confused & not understanding what one dr meant when he said “she may stay like that forever”. Refusing to believe that was going to be the case. ~ Watching for any sign of her waking or any response, even the slighted movement of a hand or foot. Not caring if it was only a reflex…taking it as a sign that she was getting better.
~ Breaking down after seeing her for the first time on each of my return trips, expecting to see improvement over the last time. Being extremely disappointed when I couldn’t really see any changes.

Now I see considerable improvements in her condition each time I visit! I can see her fun-loving personality coming out! I can see the sister I know & love again! My baby sister…the one I pushed in a stroller around to the neighbor’s houses to show her off…the one who slept with me almost every night until she was about 10 even though she had her own room…the one I helped raise & spoil rotten :)…the one who people thought was my daughter when I’d take her places with me…the one who would wake you up by hitting you on the head with her baby bottle…the one who tried to stand on a glass fish bowl & had to get stitches in her ankle…the one I love with all my heart & have since the day she was born. We’ve almost lost her twice. The first time was when Mom was giving birth to her. (We almost lost both of them.) God has given her back to us again! Jennifer’s Miracle is an amazing one & one that is only possible through our God. I know Jennifer has brought many people closer to God with her story, myself being one.

I would’ve loved to have been there to walk into church with her Sunday. Below is an account of Jennifer’s day at church from Candace, a friend of Jennifer's from church (taken from her comments on the blog):

Oh my goodness, when that whole family walked in the doors of church I think everyone got goosebumps and tears in their eyes. It was the most amazing thing alot of people witnessed in a very long time. It was so awesome to see her there. She was just singing away with all the songs (She knew every word!) and then at the end she came up for prayer. She cried and almost everyone was crying with her and praying for her. What an amazing miracle we experienced Sunday! Jennifer is being healed and her being there Sunday was truly a miracle!

If anyone else who was at church that day would like to share what they witnessed this very special Sunday, I would love to hear about it! Please post a comment to the blog.

In ways it seems like it’s been a lot longer than 4 months. It’s through the love, support, & prayer of all of you that have helped us make it through. Thank you! David & Jennifer still need your prayers. Jennifer needs them for continued healing, strength, & encouragement. David needs them for strength & encouragement. He has a lot on his plate! And we can’t forget those little boys! Please continue to pray for them!